Well ...

[wellinghall]

... it's been a good couple of days, and yet I'm still feeling a bit bleh. The sinus infection certainly isn't helping, and I've got a busy couple of weeks at work coming up, and too much to do at home. Cheer me up? Please? A simple "Hi", or a little compliment, or a joke ... anything!

Comments

[tree_and_leaf]

Hi!

A man walks into a bar.

Thud.

Have some Highland Park later on, I'm sure it's good for sinus infections.

[philmophlegm.livejournal.com]

Ruud van Nistelrooy (former Manchester United striker) walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" asks the barman. http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/01/29/article-1247013-00D8B2B5000004B0-319_224x423.jpg

[philmophlegm.livejournal.com]

William Shakespeare walks into a bar.

The barman shouts "Get out - you're barred!"

(You're a bard...)

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

The penguins send cuddles. :-)

[parrot-knight.livejournal.com]

I have learned today that there is a microbrewery near Darlington called Mithril.

[wellinghall.livejournal.com]

Another good reason for us to go up there!

[gurthaew.livejournal.com]

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Northern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

-----------------------------

So this fellow goes to a hotel kitchen in answer to an advertisement for kitchen hands. The chef asks him if he can cook eggs.

"Watch this", says the fellow. He picks up six eggs, juggles them for a moment, tosses them over is shoulder and they land, one after the other, on the edge of a frying pan just behind him. The eggs break and the innards drop into the pan while the shells fall away neatly into a waste bin by the side of the cooker. The fellow spins around, shuffles the pan on the heat for a moment, then, when the eggs are ready, tosses the whole lot back over his shoulder where they land perfectly on six waiting plates which he had lined up on the table.

"That's amazing", said the chef, "I've never seen anything like it! But it must be a fluke".

So the fellow does it all again, only this time with a full dozen eggs.

"Well", he says to the astonished chef, "do I get the job?"

"No chance", says the chef, "you piss about too much".

----------------------------

[wellinghall.livejournal.com]

I know I can always rely on you for a good joke or three :-)

[eldritchhobbit.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs*

[camillofan.livejournal.com]

What you need is a bracing debate on what exactly constitutes fantasy literature. Alas, I am not the person to give it to you, though I did ask about the subject in my comment to your other post.

Or this: "Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns"

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps

-Walter

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

*

Sympathy on the sinusitis front. It really doesn't help.

[inzilbeth-liz.livejournal.com]

*hugs*. I've not had the best 24 hours so am clean out of humour!

[sally_maria]

*hugs* and pictures of Amy Pond...

[kargicq.livejournal.com]

Hope things are looking up!

[fallingtowers.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you know this one already, but here we go:

What goes bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud-bang-thud?

Time Lord suicide.

[fallingtowers.livejournal.com]

Also? What if Star Wars were an Icelandic saga? In Old Norse. With English translations.

http://tattuinardoelasaga.wordpress.com/