wellinghall | Entries tagged with jokes

f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar.
“Got any sandwiches?” f(x)=6x+3 asks the barman.
“Sorry,” he replies, “We don’t cater for functions.”

Top 6 things you will never hear an actuary say:
6. I have a hot date tonight.
5. I got a lot out of that marketing meeting.
4. Our prices are too high.
3. Just throw out that large loss; it’ll never happen again.
2. We’ve got to take more chances here.
1. We can expect your favourable trend to continue indefinitely.

Q: Why does a heavy metal fan want to become an actuary?
A: He wants to be paid for predicting death and destruction.

Three logicians walk into a bar, and the barman says, "Would you all like a beer?"

The first logician says, "I don't know."

The second logician says, "I don't know either."

The third logician says, "Yes please."

"I had to throw that actor out of my pub last night. You know, the one who plays the villain in the new Bond film."

"Javier Bardem?"

"No, he can come back when he's sober."

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket
salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443

Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?

http://bengoldacre.posterous.com/best-maths-joke-ever

The shepherd said to the sheepdog, "I've got some sheep in the valley. Will you go and round them up and put them in the pen?"

And the dog went, "Alright."

And he went away and came back an hour later. And the dog went, "I've done it."

And the shepherd said, "How many sheep were there?"

And the dog went, "40."

And the shepherd said, "That's strange! There were only 38 this morning."

And the dog went, "You said 'round them up'!"

What do you call a cat without whiskers?

£665.99 = Retail price of the Beast
£782.55 = Price of the Beast incl VAT
£869.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories
£656.66 = Tesco price of the Beast
£333 = Half off sale on the sign of the beast
6, uh... what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
01666 = Dialing code of the Beast
0898 6660666 = Live Beasts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 = Highway of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k = Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % = 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
666MHz = CPU of the Beast
666i = BMW of the Beast
668 = Next-door neighbour of the Beast
666A, 666B = Tenants of the beast
999 = Sign of the Australian Beast

Any more ... ?

"A treasury of advice tips for the Edwardian nurse, including: - Unless you know your male patient very well, do not attempt to read him aloud the stock market levels from a newspaper, for it is well nigh impossible for a woman to read them so that a man will understand her."

Microsoft spell checker giving me "palsy" for "payslip".

Apparently Rules restaurant used to divide its wine list into two: Burgundy, and the former colonies. That's Australia, South Africa, North America, Bordeaux ...

ETA: Swiped from