Musings of an aging fan

In this busy modern world, we all need to send urgent messages from time to time. Maybe you need to instruct your broker in Leifsbudir to buy shares in this season’s hot stock tip, the Vinland and Norumbega Rail Road. Or you might want to place an order with the Muscovy and Archangel Tea Emporium for your favourite blend of Russian Anachronist Gundpower tea, “The Tea that goes with a Bang,” and Lunar Apennine Broken Orange Pekoe. Or perhaps it is that most important of personal missives, a birthday wish to your nephew, toiling away on the family’s behalf at your Narhwal-training establishment in the Barents Sea.

In such important circumstances, why entrust your vital correspondence to that outmoded form of communication, the dirigible airship? Prone to delay from contrary winds as well as attack by the dreaded air pirates, you can never be sure that your order will reach the tea emporium in time; and if it doesn’t, they might run out, and you will be condemned to the horror of drinking a naive domestic Earl Grey from the tea-slopes of Jan Mayen. If your instruction to your broker is delayed, the market may have turned, and the VNRR’s expansion into the North-West Spanish Confederation’s lands run into some serious faults. And if your nephew’s birthday letter goes astray, he will think you have turned your back on him, and may defect to the Jarl of Akureyri – with his valuable trained Narwhals!

So instead, use the latest means of communication available – the Arctic* Heliograph! Flashed from signal station to signal station, your message can be in Leifsbudir in as little as eight hours, and in the Barents Sea in only four! Your message will be sent on by highly-trained technicians, each equipped with the most modern equipment and warmest of clothing, and assisted by skilled squads of arctic foxes** and barnacle geese**.

Send your messages the safe way – the secure way – the fast way – and above all the modern way. Be the envy of your neighbours, and use the Arctic* Heliograph!

*In the winter months, messages will be sent through our southern associates, the Antarctic Heliograph. Message times will be increased by a factor of ten.

**Applications welcome from anyone with a proven talent for keeping arctic foxes and barnacle geese apart.