Hello!

[wellinghall]

I'm feeling cut-off ... no email, no Facebook, no access to anyone else's LJ ... and I'm going to be late home tonight because of a physio appointment! So please, make a comment - say hello, give me a wave, tell me a joke, tell me something to distract me, offer to mow the lawn - anything!

Comments

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

- What's white and can't climb trees?

- A fridge.

And why is it that contestants on that R4 show when they have to identify the truths in a pack of lies are always so rubbish? OK, I'm not under pressure in the studio, but I reckon on getting 4 out of 5 on a mixture of general knowledge and just being able to work it out. THough I did not know that cat urine glows in the dark.

[beckyc.livejournal.com]

Hello!

At the weekend, I was driving not a million miles away from where you used to live, and I thought what a shame that I couldn't pop by and say hello.

[the-marquis.livejournal.com]

3½ hours since she dropped of for 20 minutes in the pram (on the way home from the shops) Tiddles has finally decided to nap: having spent over an hour fighting it. She is slumped on me and snoring into my jumper - although her snotty nosed snufflings sound more like the trumpet of doom from the other end... such is parenthood

The Yak

[el-staplador.livejournal.com]

As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak;
You will find it exactly the thing.
It can carry, and fetch; you can ride on its back
Or lead it about with a string.

The Tartar, who lives on the plains of Tibet
(A desolate region of snow)
Has for centuries made it a nursery pet
And surely the Tartar should know.

So tell your papa where the Yak can be got,
And - if he is frightfully rich -
He will buy you the creature, or else, he will not
(I cannot be positive which).

- H. Belloc

[emperor]

Shall I just mention pom-poms, and pass you the brain-bleach? :-)

[muninnhuginn]

Good day!

The most interesting thing round here is the man digging at the manhole outside our front wall.

If you need a lawn mowereradicator, ask a chicken.

[camillofan.livejournal.com]

I'll mow your lawn if you mow mine. :-)

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

*waves*

[eldritchhobbit.livejournal.com]

Hey there, you! *big hugs*

[gurthaew.livejournal.com]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final
answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that".
And that's when the fight started..

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than
the face cream.
And that's when the fight started.

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'
And that's when the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.

Part 2.

[gurthaew.livejournal.com]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And that's when the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.sShe said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her some bathroom scales.
And that's when the fight started.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

[gayalondiel.livejournal.com]

I can offer *hugs* and baby stoats.

Right, then. A joke it shall be.

[wemyss.livejournal.com]

There's a man in Croydon who claims to have invented a game that in certain respects is a bit like cricket.

What he doesn't know is that the England side have been playing it for years.

[adaese.livejournal.com]

Just for the record - the lawn has now been mowed. Now all we need is someone to wave a magic wand over it and turn all the moss and brown patches to grass.

[segh.livejournal.com]

This joke needs to be read in an American accent.
Man in bar, observing an ex-girlfriend: Say, ain't that Hortense?
His friend: I dunno, she looks pretty laid back to me.

[aranelcharis.livejournal.com]

How about...have you been watching Merlin? There's also a new version of Emma that I want to see but it's just now airing on BBC (haha, unintentional rhyme)

[miss-t-ide.livejournal.com]

*hugs* from me and cute little baby gurgles from the little one.

[kargicq.livejournal.com]

Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

[scribblerworks.livejournal.com]

Two pals, a carrot and a cat, were walking along the side of the road having a nice conversation. A car comes racing by and hits the carrot and drives on, leaving the carrot bleeding carrot juice all over the place. His pal the cat is very upset, still anxious about his friend when the paramedics arrive. They bundle up the carrot and rush him to the hospital. His pal the cat spends hours waiting anxiously, pacing all over the waiting room while the surgery was done on his friend.

Finally, the doctor comes out of the operating room. "How is he, doc!" exclaims the cat. The doctor pulls off his surgery cap, weary from the hours of work. "I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that your friend will pull through. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable!"

[tree_and_leaf]

*waves*

[alitalf.livejournal.com]

HI, sorry to be so slow on the uptake. I wonder if a laptop computer and a 3-G internet connection would be a good thing for you to have? That works well for me if I am away from my wifi connection.